Witze

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Ein Besucher schlendert über eine Katzenausstellung. An einem Stand bleibt er stehen und fragt den Besitzer: „Was sind denn dies für Katzen?“ „Siamesen“, lautet die stolze Antwort. „Donnerwetter, sauber getrennt!“

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Spencer Holst
THE ZEBRA STORYTELLER

© Illustrated by Alik Gotlib

Once upon a time there was a Siamese cat who pretended to be a lion and spoke inappropriate Zebraic.

That language is whinnied by the race of striped horses in Africa.

Here now: An innocent zebra is walking in a jungle and approaching from another direction is the little cat; they meet.

„Hello there!“ says the Siamese cat in perfectly pronounced Zebraic, „It certainly is a pleasant day, isn’t it? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, isn’t the world a lovely place to live today!“

The zebra is so astonished at hearing Siamese cat speaking like a zebra, why—he’s just fit to be tied.

So the little cat quickly ties him up, kills him, and drags the better parts of the carcass back to his den.

The cat successfully hunted zebras many months in this manner, dining on filet mignon of zebra every night, and from the better hides he made bow neckties and wide belts after the fashion of the decadent princes of the Old Siamese court.

He began boasting to his friends he was a lion, and he gave them as proof the fact he hunted zebras.

The delicate noses of the zebras told them there was really no lion in the neighborhood. The zebra deaths caused many to avoid the region. Superstitious, they decided the woods were haunted by the ghost of a lion.

One day the storyteller of the zebras was ambling, and through his mind ran plots for stories to amuse the other zebras, when suddenly his eyes brightened, and he said, „That’s it! I’ll tell a story about a Siamese cat who learns to speak our language! What an idea! That’ll make ‚em laugh!“

Just then the Siamese cat appeared before him, and said, „Hello there! Pleasant day today, isn’t it!“

The zebra storyteller wasn’t fit to be tied at hearing a cat speaking his language, because he’d been thinking about that very thing.

He took a good look at the cat, and he didn’t know why, but there was something about his looks he didn’t like, so he kicked him with a hoof and killed him.

That is the function of the storyteller.

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Sagt eine Norwegische Waldkatze zu einer Siamkatze : „Wie kriege ich so blaue Augen wie du ? „Ganz einfach“,sagt die Siam,“ fahre nach Spanien, lass dich einfangen, und wenn du Glück hast ,dann kommst du mit zwei blauen Augen davon!!!

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Unterhalten sich 2 Frauen im Treppenhaus. sagt die eine:Frau Müller hat 2 siamesische Katzen in Pflege genommen!“ Meint die andere: Oh Gott wie schrecklich, wo sind sie denn zusammmen gewachsen?

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Three feral cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, „My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat.“
The third cat said nothing.
The second cat said, „Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bred Siamese.“
The third cat said still said nothing.
Then the first two cats asked her, „What are your kittens?“
She replied, „Oh, I don’t know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time.“

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A man had a siamese cat that howled all night, every night. The sleepless man concluded that the cat has too much testosterone and took him to the vet to be castrated. To the great surprise of the man and all his neighbors, the cat continued howling.
„Why are you doing it now?“ they asked the cat.
„Now I am a consultant.“

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A woman goes into the vets with a duck under her arm. The vet lifts the ducks head and it flops back down. This duck is dead says the vet. I do not believe it says the woman I want another opinion. The vet opens the door and in comes a black labrador. The dog sniffs the duck and shakes its head. There I told you says the vet, the duck is dead. I want another opinion says the woman. The vet calls and in comes a Siamese cat. The cat sniffs the duck and shakes its head. There I told you says the vet the duck is dead. Ok says the woman I accept your diagnosis, please give me your bill (not part of the joke)
The vet gives her a bill for £500. The woman exclaims but you only said the duck was dead. Yes said the vet but I had to base my expart opinion on a lab report and a cat scan and they are expensive.

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Schimpanse wäscht Siamkatze

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siamese cat drunk with vodka, panin-melnikov